B’nei Whatzah? – A Guide for Our Gentile (and Jew“ish”) Friends

We’re so excited to have you join us for this big celebration! We know this b’nei mitzvah might be new territory for some of you, so we’ve put together a handy guide to help you navigate the festivities with confidence (and maybe a little style). Whether you’ve been to a b’nei mitzvah before or this is your first, we promise—this is going to be fun, meaningful, and yes, there will be cake.

So… What exactly is a bar mitzvah?

Bar mitzvah is Hebrew for “son of commandment.” Bat mitzvah is Hebrew for, you guessed it, “daughter of commandment”. And B’nei mitzvah is Hebrew for “children of commandment”. In short, it is generally a coming-of-age ritual. When a Jewish child turns 13, they have all the rights and obligations of a Jewish adult, including following the commandments of the Torah and being responsible for their own actions. Fun fact: The bar/bat mitzvah is automatic, whether or not a celebration or special ceremony is held. But since becoming a bar/bat mitzvah is such an important milestone and joyous occasion, we make a point of celebrating together with family and friends.

What should I expect at the synagogue?

The Service (a.k.a. the actual b’nei mitzvah)

The ceremony takes place at the synagogue (think: church, but with a lot more Hebrew). It usually lasts about 2 hours, and yes, it will mostly be in Hebrew. This is one of those times you can follow what others do: When others sit, you sit. When others stand, you stand. When others pray in Hebrew, you can just smile and pretend you know what’s going on.

Ravyn and Phoenix will be reading prayers in Hebrew and English, and will read from the torah. The torah is the most sacred item in the temple. These are all hand written by specially trained scribes. The torah you will see is an exact copy of the same torah from thousands of years ago. It looks like a large scroll and is read from right to left. Prayer books will be available at your seats. The standard prayer book (called a siddur) contains all the prayers for (almost) every day of the year, so we will be starting many pages in. Remember, Hebrew is read from right to left, so the prayer book opens the opposite way from what you may be used to in a book. Try to follow along, but you can also just enjoy the service, since most of it will be in Hebrew. If you lose your page, just peek at the person next to you (unless they are also peeking at your book, and then give each other a knowing look and find someone else). Parents of the bar/bat mitzvah will also usually give a blessing, a speech, and cry. At some point, we will all pelt Ravyn and Phoenix with candy. Please do not take pictures or use your phone during the service (before or after is a-ok).

The Celebration (a.k.a. the par-tay!)

In the evening after all the Hebrew and blessings, it’s time for the fun part—the party! Expect lots of food. The menu has been curated by Ravyn and Phoenix (thankfully our caterer has added more options than pasta and sugar). There will be dancing, prizes, a quiz (we had to make it educational somehow), and a DJ who really loves the Cha-Cha Slide. One highlight is the hora, where people form a circle, dance, and lift the b’nei mitzvah kids up on a chair. Don’t worry, participation is encouraged but not required (unless you are very strong, then you must help us lift them)--you can dance or sit back and enjoy the show, both are equally valid choices.

Do I have to go to both the service and the celebration?

We get it—it’s a lot to ask for the whole day from you. For our friends, if you can only make it to the celebration, that’s totally fine. We won’t take it personally if you skip the Hebrew and show up just for the food and dancing. Consider it your VIP pass to the fun part!

Where do I sit?

At the service, you can sit anywhere you’d like. If you have antsy young kids who might need a break, consider sitting near the back or towards the outside of a row. At the celebration, there will be a table reserved just for medium-sized humans like Ravyn and Phoenix. We will also have a table for immediate family. Other seats are first come, first serve.

What do I wear?

Most people will be wearing clothes. Please do that. Conservative and/or dressy-ish is most appropriate (i.e.: suits, jackets, ties, dresses or skirts). However, even jeans and a nice shirt are all just fine and dandy too. At the synagogue, men (and sometimes women) will get a kippah (in Hebrew, it means dome). You don’t have to wear it, but hey, if you do, you’ll fit right in. Ravyn and Pheonix had some special ones made for you. Feel free to take one with you if you would like. Their names are on the inside and it makes for a great keepsake. Some Jewish men (and some women) over the age of 13 will wear a prayer shawl called a tallit. If you are not Jewish, you should not wear one of these.

Do I bring a gift?

That's up to you. Having you here is a gift already. If you want to know what other people do, gifts are a thing. Money is traditional—multiples of 18 are good luck because the number 18 means “life” in Hebrew. So, $18, $36, $54… you get the idea. You can also bring something meaningful, but trust us, the kids won’t mind cash. They’ve already been talking about how they want to invest it. Bitcoin is their latest choice.

Do I need to eat Kosher?

Don’t panic! You can eat anything at the celebration that we serve (including the bad jokes). We do not follow a strict kosher diet. Our menu is kosher-ish. You don’t need to do anything special—just eat, enjoy, and maybe try the challah (you’ll thank us later).

We hope this guide helps you feel ready to jump in and enjoy the celebration. If you have more questions, please reach out and ask! you can call or text Dana at (202) 270-8362. We’re so grateful to have you here to share in this milestone. Get ready to eat, dance, and maybe learn a little Hebrew along the way!

L’chaim! (That’s “Cheers!” but way cooler)

The Arazi Family